You would think holidays should be the easiest part of the year.
Days off. Special food. Family together.
So why does your stomach twist the moment someone mentions travel plans, in laws, or who you are visiting first
For a lot of cross cultural Christian couples, holidays do not feel holy. They feel like a war.
You argue about:
- Which side to visit and for how long
- How many days you are staying with each family
- Whether you will host everyone in your home
- What traditions matter most
- How much it will cost in money, energy, and emotional toll
By the time the calendar flips to the holiday season, you are already tired. The fights are predictable, and you might find yourself thinking, “I wish we could just skip this year.”
If that is you, this post is for you.
In this guide on The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time, we are going to:
- Name what is really going on underneath the holiday drama
- Look at why cross cultural couples feel it even more intensely
- Walk through practical steps to plan holidays in a way that protects your marriage
- Offer scripts and ideas so you can show up with peace instead of dread
This article is part of our United Front series, along with:
- Cross Cultural Couples Keep Fighting: The Real Reason You Cannot Get Past the Same Arguments
- How To Set Boundaries Without Being “Disrespectful”
- When Your Spouse Feels Second To Your Family
- The Loyalty Ladder: God, Spouse, Kids, Then Family
Together, they form a journey from recognizing unhealthy patterns to actually replacing them with healthier ones.
Why The Holiday War Happens In The First Place
Before you can learn The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time, you need to understand why you dread it so much.
On the surface, it looks like you are arguing about:
- Flights
- Dates
- Sleeping arrangements
- Budgets
Underneath, you are really arguing about:
- Whose traditions get honored
- Whose parents get priority
- What loyalty looks like now that you are married
- How much of your life is still controlled by extended family
Holidays are like an x ray for your loyalty system. Everything you read about in The Loyalty Ladder: God, Spouse, Kids, Then Family gets tested when the holiday calendar comes out.
Without a shared loyalty ladder and a united front, the holiday war repeats every year.
You dread family time because:
- You already know which comments will be made
- You already know how much your spouse will get criticized or ignored
- You already know you will feel torn in half trying to keep everyone happy
So holiday dread is not about being antisocial. It is about bracing for impact.
The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time Starts With Recognizing Patterns
If you want to learn The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time, you must first see the pattern clearly.
Ask yourself and your spouse:
- “What do our holiday fights usually sound like”
- “What are the same three arguments that come up every year”
- “Who usually ends up hurt the most”
Common patterns include:
- One spouse feels like their family is always last
- One side of the family expects more time, travel, or financial help
- You over commit to please others, then burn out and take it out on each other
- Extended family assumes you are available for everything, every year
If you have read Cross Cultural Couples Keep Fighting, you know this already: the same argument usually means there is a deeper belief or loyalty conflict that has not been addressed.
When you recognize the pattern, you can start to respond differently instead of repeating the same fight.
How Cross Cultural Couples Experience The Holiday War
Cross cultural couples often live a double holiday life.
One culture may value:
- Large gatherings with extended family
- Long visits that last weeks
- Collective decisions about plans and traditions
The other may value:
- Smaller, more private celebrations
- Shorter visits
- Flexibility and rest
The holiday war is intense because each side is not just fighting for a schedule. They are defending their story of what a “real” family holiday should look like.
So when you are trying to walk out The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time, you are not just negotiating logistics. You are navigating:
- Honor and shame
- Respect and expectations
- History and pain
Add faith language, and it becomes even more loaded. You might hear:
- “But this is how we always celebrate Christmas in our culture.”
- “You do not care about our traditions anymore.”
- “If you loved us, you would travel every year.”
No wonder holiday time feels like a battlefield.
This is exactly where the tools from How To Set Boundaries Without Being “Disrespectful” and When Your Spouse Feels Second To Your Family become essential. You are learning to live out a new pattern while still honoring where you came from.
Step One In The Holiday War: Get Honest About What You Really Want
Many of us jump straight into holiday logistics without asking a simple but powerful question:
“If we could design family time from scratch, what would peaceful holidays look like for us”
To stop dreading family time, you and your spouse need to get honest about:
- What drains you
- What gives you life
- What traditions actually matter
- What you are willing and not willing to sacrifice
Sit down together and answer:
- “Which past holidays have left us most exhausted or hurt Why”
- “Which past holidays felt surprisingly peaceful Why”
- “If we could design our ideal holiday rhythm over the next five years, what would it be”
Be specific.
You may discover that:
- One of you needs at least one holiday at home with just your nuclear family
- One of you wants to see your parents every year, but can agree on shorter visits
- One of you is open to alternating holidays between families
This honest conversation is the foundation for learning The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time in a way that fits who you are, not just what you inherited.
Using The Loyalty Ladder To Calm The Holiday War
Once you know what you and your spouse really want, you can bring in the framework from The Loyalty Ladder: God, Spouse, Kids, Then Family.
Holidays are one of the clearest places to apply that loyalty ladder.
Ask yourselves:
- “What does it look like to put God first in our holiday plans”
- “What does it look like to prioritize our marriage in The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time”
- “What do our kids actually need, not just what everyone expects”
- “How can we honor extended family without displacing our covenant and our children”
This might lead to decisions like:
- Attending church together before heading to any family gathering
- Protecting one or two evenings during the holiday for just the two of you or for your nuclear family
- Limiting travel if it is too exhausting for young children
- Saying yes to a tradition that matters deeply to parents, while saying no to extra events that stretch you too thin
When you make decisions through The Loyalty Ladder, The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time stops being about “Who wins this year” and becomes more about “How do we stay faithful to the order God has given us.”
Creating A Holiday Plan That Makes Family Time Bearable
Now it is time to move from ideas to an actual plan.
A practical holiday plan can turn The Holiday War from chaos into something you can at least predict and manage.
Here is a framework you can use.
1. Decide your overall rhythm
Look at several years, not just this one.
Ask:
- “Over the next three to five years, how often do we want to be with your family at holidays How often with mine How often just us”
Options might include:
- Alternating years: one year with one side, the next year with the other
- Alternating specific holidays: maybe one family gets one holiday, the other gets another
- One big extended family trip every few years instead of every year
The point is not to find the perfect blueprint. It is to agree on a rhythm both of you can live with.
2. Set limits on length and logistics
Even if you agree to visit both sides, The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time requires you to be realistic.
Decide:
- How many days you can stay without running yourselves down
- How much travel you can handle in one holiday season
- Where you will stay – in their home, in a nearby hotel, or with friends
Sometimes staying nearby instead of inside the family home is the difference between surviving and actually enjoying time together.
3. Protect recovery time
Plan for rest before and after intense family time.
That might mean:
- Leaving one day early to have quiet time in your own home
- Scheduling a simple day as a family after you return before jumping back into work and school
- Agreeing that you will not host anyone at your place immediately after a long trip
These small choices can significantly reduce your dread of family time.
Scripts To Use When The Holiday War Heats Up
Even with a good plan, there will be moments when others do not like your decisions.
This is where you can combine The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time with the communication skills from How To Set Boundaries Without Being “Disrespectful”.
Use the four part framework: affirm, state the decision, give a brief reason, repeat as needed.
Examples:
When you must say you cannot travel this year
- “We love you and we wish we could be everywhere. This year we have decided to stay home and celebrate as a nuclear family. We need a quieter season for our marriage and the kids. We hope we can plan a visit at another time.”
When relatives pressure you to stay longer
- “We are so happy to see you and we are grateful for this time. We are only able to stay for four days. That is what works best for our family this year. We want to enjoy our time with you and also return home with enough rest.”
When family compares which side gets more time
- “We understand it can feel uneven at times. We are doing our best to balance travel, finances, and rest. Over the next few years, we have a plan to see both families. This year we are following the plan we already agreed on together.”
These scripts send a clear message: we love you, but we are not going to let The Holiday War control us.
What To Do When Holidays Go Wrong Anyway
You can have a plan, practice healthy communication, and still have a holiday that goes sideways.
A snide comment gets made.
Your spouse feels alone at the table.
Old wounds get touched and you both leave feeling bruised.
In those moments, The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time is about how you repair afterwards.
1. Debrief as a couple
Ask:
- “What hurt the most for you”
- “Where did you feel supported by me”
- “Where did you feel alone”
Listen without defending your family. Remember what you learned in When Your Spouse Feels Second To Your Family.
2. Own your part
If there were moments where you could have spoken up and did not, say so.
- “I realize I stayed quiet when that comment was made. I am sorry. Next time I will step in and say something.”
This is not about blaming yourself for everything. It is about showing your spouse that The Holiday War is something you intend to fight with them, not against them.
3. Adjust your plan for next time
Ask:
- “Given what happened, what needs to change for next year”
You might decide:
- Shorter stays
- Staying nearby instead of in the same house
- Changing how many events you attend
Every tough holiday can give you data that helps you design a more peaceful one next time.
How The Holiday War Fits Into The United Front Series
This article on The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time is not meant to stand alone. It fits into a larger journey we are walking together.
- Start with Cross Cultural Couples Keep Fighting to understand the divided front pattern that shows up especially around holidays.
- Then read How To Set Boundaries Without Being “Disrespectful” so you can talk to family in a more confident, honoring way when the holiday war heats up.
- After that, When Your Spouse Feels Second To Your Family will help you heal the places where holiday decisions have made your spouse feel small or overlooked.
- Finally, The Loyalty Ladder: God, Spouse, Kids, Then Family gives you a framework that guides every holiday plan you make.
Taken together, these posts guide you from:
- Dreading family time and fighting every year
to:
- Having a clear, united plan
- Communicating your decisions with more peace
- Protecting your marriage, your kids, and your faith in the middle of big family expectations
You may not be able to make every holiday perfect. Some family members may never fully understand your choices.
But you can learn The Holiday War: How to Stop Dreading Family Time in a way that honors God, protects your marriage, and gives your children a more peaceful model of what holidays can become.
